5.The house. In last place. The most practical and therefore stupidest thing to spend your money on. Rip out your tired but perfectly serviceable kitchen, feck it in a skip and pay 14 grand for a new one. If you still have money left, replace all your old wooden eaves with shiny new plastic ones. Why not double glaze the house while you’re at it? You’ll be broke, but you’ll feel like royalty as you slide your new drawers in and out.
4. Flog your personal hobby horse: Your choice of beer, smokes, horses, hookers, ceramic dolls or whatever takes your fancy. Kit a room out as a study to start your novel (‘It’s a futuristic rom-com, similar to The Da Vinci Code, but based around the Book of Kells’). Buy a 1971 VW Camper Van and take it to pieces in your shed. Kid yourself! ‘I’ve always wanted to do it, and now I finally have the time!’
3. The following:
1 x Glock 9
3 x Boxes 9mm shells (150 total)
1 x 15 inch Jungle Master Hunting Knife
1 x Titanium Baseball Bat
1 x A12 Assault Shotgun
48 x 12 gauge shotgun shells
4 x Rolls Scotch Tape
36 x 10 inch plastic ties
4 x ball gags
3 x M18 Smoke Grenades (Red)
If you’ve just been made redundant, you can probably find a good use to put these to. Maybe you could pop back into the office to collect your P45 or ‘say hello’.
2. A games console. Xbox 360 is a good bet. Strafe away your aggression and stress on Nazis, commies, aliens, gang bangers and many other virtual nasties. GTA and some of the role-playing titles can take 60 hours plus. Time is the only thing you’ll have a lot of, so go nuts.
You might consider a Wii, too. What with all the snacking, comfort eating and desperate alcohol consumption, your weight will be on a steady upwards curve, so this might be a prudent purchase. Plus, for the guys, it’s more female friendly, so easier to get the missus’ agreement on.
1. A one way ticket to anywhere. By now you know Ireland is shot to shit. You are sick of Cowen, Bertie and Harney. Sick of being robbed every time you buy a drink or set foot in a restaurant. Sick of the scumbags hanging around the end of your road. Sick of the weather. Sick of the shite public transport. Sick of Gerry Ryan. Sick of Northsiders. Sick of Southsiders. Sick of the lack of amenities. Sick of paying € 50 for a visit to the doctor.
There is only one option left. Go and live somewhere decent.