The tyrannosaur stumbled down the beach, his scaled feet sinking in the fine dayglo pink sand. This was heavier going than he had expected. Plus, his back was itching. He needed a cliff-face or stand of coconut trees for a good scratch. No sooner had he thought it than a large bowed palm tree appeared in front of him in a cloud of nanodes.
Tony sighed with relief as he scratched. These little t-rex arms were definitely not built for administering a good scratching, that was for sure. Just then, the force-field surrounding the beach shimmered, stretching and bending the starlight beyond.
A smile hung in the air, then Kurzweil the cat wafted in on his intellicarpet...
You might recognise the name Kurzweil. He's the guy who predicted a technological singularity in around 30 years, when the exponential increase in the power of computing will result in machines with the transcendant intelligence to herald a new era for man and machine. No problem there.
There are those who feel that there will be a biological singularity too. This one is even further in the future, and postulizes 'post-humans' with the power to transcend the limitations of flesh. These post humans might no longer require bodies, or may have the power to download into fantastic, fabricated bodies - to be a dinosaur, survive a vacuum or finally become immortal, trying out different bodies with each incarnation. I suppose, given time, anything is possible.
My problem with the whole singularity thing isn't with the theory. It is all exciting stuff! My problem is with the fiction that goes with it. Of course, writers should be free to let their imaginations go as nuts as they want, and little allows that better than the singularity theory. But when characters can do whatever takes their fancy - and writers can indulge themselves unreservedly, we run into difficulties. The whole thing becomes too metaphysical. It becomes a cartoon. Where is the dramatic tension when characters have complete control of their environment? How can we relate to these characters or the settings? I do admit that some writers can pull it off. Check out Greg Egan's Diaspora, for example. However, having just thrown WJ Williams Implied Spaces in the bin on top of A Fire on the Deep and Dan Simmon's Ilium, I'd have to say Egan is an exception to the rule.
If you want to read more of Tony the T-Rex's story, maybe you should check those authors out. You'll be on your own though. I'll be in the corner reading some John Scalzi or Cory Doctorow.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Achievement 10 G - Liver Abuser
A combination of things made me want to get as drunk as possible last Saturday: my upcoming redundancy and general money worries, the fact that I'd just been to the funeral of someone 3 or 4 years younger than me, the fact that my house was full of friends and laughter, and the fact that I'd just finished my first short story in about 4 years.
So I decided to drink a full 75 cl bottle of Russian Standard vodka.
The results were as follows (in roughly chronological order):
Cautioned by the police for using the local playground,
Sudden bouts of bellowing,
Fits of rolling on the ground,
Fits of rolling on the gound with no trousers on,
Loss of coordination leading to suprise collapsing,
Red carded to bed by Hilbotron.
The next morning:
Vomiting orange acid,
Prayers to thank Baby Jesus that I stayed out of hospital,
Watching 3 hours of Rick Stein's Seafood Odyssey.
I would have said yesterday, in the throes of my hangover, that drinking so much was incredibly stupid and irresponsible and that I would never do it again. I certainly would not recommend it.
However, now that the remorse has passed, I'm not so sure. Maybe I would do it again.
One thing I can say for sure: Do not try this at home kids!
So I decided to drink a full 75 cl bottle of Russian Standard vodka.
The results were as follows (in roughly chronological order):
Cautioned by the police for using the local playground,
Sudden bouts of bellowing,
Fits of rolling on the ground,
Fits of rolling on the gound with no trousers on,
Loss of coordination leading to suprise collapsing,
Red carded to bed by Hilbotron.
The next morning:
Vomiting orange acid,
Prayers to thank Baby Jesus that I stayed out of hospital,
Watching 3 hours of Rick Stein's Seafood Odyssey.
I would have said yesterday, in the throes of my hangover, that drinking so much was incredibly stupid and irresponsible and that I would never do it again. I certainly would not recommend it.
However, now that the remorse has passed, I'm not so sure. Maybe I would do it again.
One thing I can say for sure: Do not try this at home kids!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Even When You Win, You Lose.
Up until last weekend, I was playing Dead Space on Xbox 360. Hilbotron had a great laugh watching the mixture of fear and nausea on my face as I snuck along flickering corridors, blasting necromorphs and cursing my chronic lack of ammo. I’m glad somebody enjoyed the experience! You see, since Sunday last, I have hung up my plasma cutters. I have been cut in half, decapitated and watched my disembodied foot float across in front of my face in zero g more times than I care to count. I have been ambushed, harried, chased and otherwise abused for over 16 hours, and have finally had enough!
To be honest, I only made it so far because I was cheating. Every chance I got, I used codes to refill my ‘stasis module’, allowing me to freeze enemies so that I could shoot off their limbs in slow motion. Nice. On top of that, I had been following a walkthrough (Props to Mahalo once again!) that tells me what comes next in each room. It worked well enough, and probably saved me some laundering of underpants, but ultimately, it has proved my undoing. Because now I know what is ahead of me, and I don’t fancy it one bit! ‘In the next room you will face 5 fetus necromorphs, 4 explosive limb necromorphs, 3 black crawling necromorphs and 4 black necromorphs.’ Am I going in? Fook that! Not today Sir!
So… in a roundabout way cheating has undone the game for me. I normally wouldn’t know what I’m facing and would continue so that I found out, but now that I know, I am staying put! It’s not the first time cheating has spoiled a game for me. That was with Age of Empires 1 on PC. My civilization was still building pyramids and walled cities, but I was being harassed by enemies every step of the way. Until I found the ‘Corvette and Rocket Launcher’ cheat. I kid you not! Oh, the fun of racing over to my enemies’ settlements and peppering them with missiles! The joy! Next thing I knew, I had wiped out every enemy in the game. I explored a land that was mine from coast to coast. I sped up time and built the biggest pyramid possible. It took all of ten minutes. Then I was bored. My game was finished. I couldn’t start another, because I knew the first time anybody attacked me, I’d get the scent of blood and call up the Corvette again. How could I resist?
Games work on the principle that sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. The uncertainty calls us back every time. Will I survive the next level? Will we win the match? Will my hand be enough to take the pot? If a cheat is powerful enough, it removes that uncertainty. Would you go to the bother of training weekly and showing up for every game if you knew you’d walk over the opposition and romp to victory? Would you feel proud of yourself as you hoisted the cup? Be honest!
But why is this topic relevant? What does it tell us about the human condition and our lives today? Simply this: how many friends do you know who have been made redundant lately, or can’t find work in the first place? How many are struggling to feed their kids, keep up their mortgage payments so they don’t lose their house, or keep the banger on the road? How many can’t afford simple necessities like booze, comics and DVD boxsets? Loads, that’s how many! And what are these people pinning their hopes on? That’s right! The Lotto! The golden ticket that will help them clear the visa, get a decent motor, fix the stupid gas boiler, get a non-recession hair cut (if you don’t know what that is, count yourself lucky. Ask Tiny Shazam!), tell your bosses to stick their pay cut, or get the hell out of Ireland for the next 50 years.
Unfortunately, the Lotto is just another cheat. Anything over 1 million is pretty much enough to hockey the uncertainty principle. Enough to break the game. Will I pay my rent? Yes! Can I afford to take a holiday? Of course. Can I stay at home all day and work on my alcohol dependency? Yes, if you like! Where’s the fun in that? Your life would be like a roller coaster that only went up, and never came down again! We need the trials, the tribulations, the tests and the tears to make everything else worthwhile, to make it mean something. We need to strive, or all our wins are hollow victories. A Lotto win is just a Corvette with a rocket launcher, and however much we think we need it, we don’t. Far better to play the game, and take life as it comes.
Having said that, tonight’s jackpot is heading for 3 million. I’m going to do three lines with Lotto plus. Can you blame me?
To be honest, I only made it so far because I was cheating. Every chance I got, I used codes to refill my ‘stasis module’, allowing me to freeze enemies so that I could shoot off their limbs in slow motion. Nice. On top of that, I had been following a walkthrough (Props to Mahalo once again!) that tells me what comes next in each room. It worked well enough, and probably saved me some laundering of underpants, but ultimately, it has proved my undoing. Because now I know what is ahead of me, and I don’t fancy it one bit! ‘In the next room you will face 5 fetus necromorphs, 4 explosive limb necromorphs, 3 black crawling necromorphs and 4 black necromorphs.’ Am I going in? Fook that! Not today Sir!
So… in a roundabout way cheating has undone the game for me. I normally wouldn’t know what I’m facing and would continue so that I found out, but now that I know, I am staying put! It’s not the first time cheating has spoiled a game for me. That was with Age of Empires 1 on PC. My civilization was still building pyramids and walled cities, but I was being harassed by enemies every step of the way. Until I found the ‘Corvette and Rocket Launcher’ cheat. I kid you not! Oh, the fun of racing over to my enemies’ settlements and peppering them with missiles! The joy! Next thing I knew, I had wiped out every enemy in the game. I explored a land that was mine from coast to coast. I sped up time and built the biggest pyramid possible. It took all of ten minutes. Then I was bored. My game was finished. I couldn’t start another, because I knew the first time anybody attacked me, I’d get the scent of blood and call up the Corvette again. How could I resist?
Games work on the principle that sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. The uncertainty calls us back every time. Will I survive the next level? Will we win the match? Will my hand be enough to take the pot? If a cheat is powerful enough, it removes that uncertainty. Would you go to the bother of training weekly and showing up for every game if you knew you’d walk over the opposition and romp to victory? Would you feel proud of yourself as you hoisted the cup? Be honest!
But why is this topic relevant? What does it tell us about the human condition and our lives today? Simply this: how many friends do you know who have been made redundant lately, or can’t find work in the first place? How many are struggling to feed their kids, keep up their mortgage payments so they don’t lose their house, or keep the banger on the road? How many can’t afford simple necessities like booze, comics and DVD boxsets? Loads, that’s how many! And what are these people pinning their hopes on? That’s right! The Lotto! The golden ticket that will help them clear the visa, get a decent motor, fix the stupid gas boiler, get a non-recession hair cut (if you don’t know what that is, count yourself lucky. Ask Tiny Shazam!), tell your bosses to stick their pay cut, or get the hell out of Ireland for the next 50 years.
Unfortunately, the Lotto is just another cheat. Anything over 1 million is pretty much enough to hockey the uncertainty principle. Enough to break the game. Will I pay my rent? Yes! Can I afford to take a holiday? Of course. Can I stay at home all day and work on my alcohol dependency? Yes, if you like! Where’s the fun in that? Your life would be like a roller coaster that only went up, and never came down again! We need the trials, the tribulations, the tests and the tears to make everything else worthwhile, to make it mean something. We need to strive, or all our wins are hollow victories. A Lotto win is just a Corvette with a rocket launcher, and however much we think we need it, we don’t. Far better to play the game, and take life as it comes.
Having said that, tonight’s jackpot is heading for 3 million. I’m going to do three lines with Lotto plus. Can you blame me?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Things to Spend Your Redundancy Money On
5.The house. In last place. The most practical and therefore stupidest thing to spend your money on. Rip out your tired but perfectly serviceable kitchen, feck it in a skip and pay 14 grand for a new one. If you still have money left, replace all your old wooden eaves with shiny new plastic ones. Why not double glaze the house while you’re at it? You’ll be broke, but you’ll feel like royalty as you slide your new drawers in and out.
4. Flog your personal hobby horse: Your choice of beer, smokes, horses, hookers, ceramic dolls or whatever takes your fancy. Kit a room out as a study to start your novel (‘It’s a futuristic rom-com, similar to The Da Vinci Code, but based around the Book of Kells’). Buy a 1971 VW Camper Van and take it to pieces in your shed. Kid yourself! ‘I’ve always wanted to do it, and now I finally have the time!’
3. The following:
1 x Glock 9
3 x Boxes 9mm shells (150 total)
1 x 15 inch Jungle Master Hunting Knife
1 x Titanium Baseball Bat
1 x A12 Assault Shotgun
48 x 12 gauge shotgun shells
4 x Rolls Scotch Tape
36 x 10 inch plastic ties
4 x ball gags
3 x M18 Smoke Grenades (Red)
If you’ve just been made redundant, you can probably find a good use to put these to. Maybe you could pop back into the office to collect your P45 or ‘say hello’.
2. A games console. Xbox 360 is a good bet. Strafe away your aggression and stress on Nazis, commies, aliens, gang bangers and many other virtual nasties. GTA and some of the role-playing titles can take 60 hours plus. Time is the only thing you’ll have a lot of, so go nuts.
You might consider a Wii, too. What with all the snacking, comfort eating and desperate alcohol consumption, your weight will be on a steady upwards curve, so this might be a prudent purchase. Plus, for the guys, it’s more female friendly, so easier to get the missus’ agreement on.
1. A one way ticket to anywhere. By now you know Ireland is shot to shit. You are sick of Cowen, Bertie and Harney. Sick of being robbed every time you buy a drink or set foot in a restaurant. Sick of the scumbags hanging around the end of your road. Sick of the weather. Sick of the shite public transport. Sick of Gerry Ryan. Sick of Northsiders. Sick of Southsiders. Sick of the lack of amenities. Sick of paying € 50 for a visit to the doctor.
There is only one option left. Go and live somewhere decent.
4. Flog your personal hobby horse: Your choice of beer, smokes, horses, hookers, ceramic dolls or whatever takes your fancy. Kit a room out as a study to start your novel (‘It’s a futuristic rom-com, similar to The Da Vinci Code, but based around the Book of Kells’). Buy a 1971 VW Camper Van and take it to pieces in your shed. Kid yourself! ‘I’ve always wanted to do it, and now I finally have the time!’
3. The following:
1 x Glock 9
3 x Boxes 9mm shells (150 total)
1 x 15 inch Jungle Master Hunting Knife
1 x Titanium Baseball Bat
1 x A12 Assault Shotgun
48 x 12 gauge shotgun shells
4 x Rolls Scotch Tape
36 x 10 inch plastic ties
4 x ball gags
3 x M18 Smoke Grenades (Red)
If you’ve just been made redundant, you can probably find a good use to put these to. Maybe you could pop back into the office to collect your P45 or ‘say hello’.
2. A games console. Xbox 360 is a good bet. Strafe away your aggression and stress on Nazis, commies, aliens, gang bangers and many other virtual nasties. GTA and some of the role-playing titles can take 60 hours plus. Time is the only thing you’ll have a lot of, so go nuts.
You might consider a Wii, too. What with all the snacking, comfort eating and desperate alcohol consumption, your weight will be on a steady upwards curve, so this might be a prudent purchase. Plus, for the guys, it’s more female friendly, so easier to get the missus’ agreement on.
1. A one way ticket to anywhere. By now you know Ireland is shot to shit. You are sick of Cowen, Bertie and Harney. Sick of being robbed every time you buy a drink or set foot in a restaurant. Sick of the scumbags hanging around the end of your road. Sick of the weather. Sick of the shite public transport. Sick of Gerry Ryan. Sick of Northsiders. Sick of Southsiders. Sick of the lack of amenities. Sick of paying € 50 for a visit to the doctor.
There is only one option left. Go and live somewhere decent.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Super Comics!
Hi All,
Longstone Comics 2nd Anthology was released this week:
Check out the lovely cover art by Dee! It is available from Forbidden Planet , Crow Street and Sub City, or from us throught the Longstone Comics website. Everyone in the group has contributed to this one, and we see it as a great step forward!
Our second release, Downpour, will be in shops from next Wednesday. It is a kind of psychic vampire story, where individual histories take the place of blood. I will be very proud to stand beside Dee next week at the 2D Festival in Derry and tell you more about it!
Superhilbo has also released her first collection - check out her blog for more details. It is cheeky, great fun that will have you laughing out loud.
In these days of gloom and recession our stories and artwork serve as an escape and an outlet for all of the Longstone Crew. We hope you enjoy them and that they serve you in the same way.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Agadoo (Blue and Flickery... A Corollary).
(You should probably read 'The Future is Not Orange, It is Blue and Flickery' before you read this one, since this is a follow on of sorts).
So we know that communications are going to suck in the future. Sound becomes video becomes hologram, and nobody has ever seen that working properly.
If we follow the same evolutionary line of thinking for personal portable music players we run into the same kind of trouble. The sound part has been done many different ways; cassette, CD, Mini Disc (glad I never got one of those!) and now MPeg3. Once we introduce the sound and visuals, we move on to MPeg4. Many of you already have devices with this capacity.
But what about sound and hologram technology?Wouldn't that be MPeg5? Now where have I seen a portable device that can play sound and holograms? Mmm, let me think....
I know! R2 D2! That's it! R2 D2 is an MP5 player!
Compared to an iPod Classic, R2 D2 is a little on the bulky size. You couldn't wrestle him to the top of a 56A bus. Granted, he has to be that size so that Kenny Baker could fit inside, but still...
Things look even bleaker when we think about how much holodata R2 D2 could actually store.
Help me Obi Wan... You're my only hope is about the same length as Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, shake the tree. You'd have to really like the song to bother. At least you could loop it...
Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, shake the tree.
Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, shake...
Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple...
Agadoo doo doo, push...
Agadoo doo doo...
Agadoo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POv-3yIPSWc
Check out the drums at 0.24!
So we know that communications are going to suck in the future. Sound becomes video becomes hologram, and nobody has ever seen that working properly.
If we follow the same evolutionary line of thinking for personal portable music players we run into the same kind of trouble. The sound part has been done many different ways; cassette, CD, Mini Disc (glad I never got one of those!) and now MPeg3. Once we introduce the sound and visuals, we move on to MPeg4. Many of you already have devices with this capacity.
But what about sound and hologram technology?Wouldn't that be MPeg5? Now where have I seen a portable device that can play sound and holograms? Mmm, let me think....
I know! R2 D2! That's it! R2 D2 is an MP5 player!
Compared to an iPod Classic, R2 D2 is a little on the bulky size. You couldn't wrestle him to the top of a 56A bus. Granted, he has to be that size so that Kenny Baker could fit inside, but still...
Things look even bleaker when we think about how much holodata R2 D2 could actually store.
Help me Obi Wan... You're my only hope is about the same length as Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, shake the tree. You'd have to really like the song to bother. At least you could loop it...
Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, shake the tree.
Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, shake...
Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple...
Agadoo doo doo, push...
Agadoo doo doo...
Agadoo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POv-3yIPSWc
Check out the drums at 0.24!
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