Super Comics!

Hi All,

Longstone Comics 2nd Anthology was released this week:

Check out the lovely cover art by Dee! It is available from Forbidden Planet , Crow Street and Sub City, or from us throught the Longstone Comics website. Everyone in the group has contributed to this one, and we see it as a great step forward!

Our second release, Downpour, will be in shops from next Wednesday. It is a kind of psychic vampire story, where individual histories take the place of blood. I will be very proud to stand beside Dee next week at the 2D Festival in Derry and tell you more about it!

Superhilbo has also released her first collection - check out her blog for more details. It is cheeky, great fun that will have you laughing out loud.

In these days of gloom and recession our stories and artwork serve as an escape and an outlet for all of the Longstone Crew. We hope you enjoy them and that they serve you in the same way.

Agadoo (Blue and Flickery... A Corollary).

(You should probably read 'The Future is Not Orange, It is Blue and Flickery' before you read this one, since this is a follow on of sorts).

So we know that communications are going to suck in the future. Sound becomes video becomes hologram, and nobody has ever seen that working properly.

If we follow the same evolutionary line of thinking for personal portable music players we run into the same kind of trouble. The sound part has been done many different ways; cassette, CD, Mini Disc (glad I never got one of those!) and now MPeg3. Once we introduce the sound and visuals, we move on to MPeg4. Many of you already have devices with this capacity.

But what about sound and hologram technology?Wouldn't that be MPeg5? Now where have I seen a portable device that can play sound and holograms? Mmm, let me think....
I know! R2 D2! That's it! R2 D2 is an MP5 player!

Compared to an iPod Classic, R2 D2 is a little on the bulky size. You couldn't wrestle him to the top of a 56A bus. Granted, he has to be that size so that Kenny Baker could fit inside, but still...

Things look even bleaker when we think about how much holodata R2 D2 could actually store.

Help me Obi Wan... You're my only hope is about the same length as Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, shake the tree. You'd have to really like the song to bother. At least you could loop it...

Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, shake the tree.

Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, shake...

Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple...

Agadoo doo doo, push...

Agadoo doo doo...

Agadoo.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POv-3yIPSWc
Check out the drums at 0.24!

The Future is Not Orange. It is Blue and Flickery...

Greetings all!

I am writing over my concern about the future of communications technology. We have seen in numerous sci-fi movies how the humble voice method will be supplanted by video technology. Yep, picture screens where you can see the caller's face. Wow! High tech! Star Trek have had that system since 1966!

So what comes next? Hologram communication! Even wower! I can't wait to use that to ring in sick to work. But wait! Have you ever seen it in operation? Of course you have! Star Wars uses it all the time!

Nute Gunray (Trade Federation Viceroy): What's that? Darth Sidious wants to reverse the charges on a call from Naboo? Naboo? that means he's really...

Can anybody think of one single instance in any movie when the teleholo (is that what it's called? If not, I call dibs on the name) caller didn't appear blue and flickery and the image didn't keep breaking up? Nope, didn't think so.

So communications in the future are going to suck even more than they do now. You'll have a hand-held unit with GPS version XXV so the government can track you to the millimetre and sellers know everything you buy or consume. Your boss/friends/partner will be able to Google where you are in realtime, on real maps, via satellite. No more sneaking out for overpriced coffee! No more ' I'm just staying in with the missus', when you are out with your real friends and no more furtive visits to 'Abrakebabra'. The shame!

You'll have the Internet, of course, so everybody can look stuff up, which will save them the bother of actually knowing or learning anything. Say goodbye to pub table quizzes. They have already gone. The unit will also be an access key to all information about your life - from school reports to when you last took a dump and what the fibre rating of said excreta was. So next time you lose your phone, you'll become a social, financial and political non-entity and have to go on the run with Sandra Bullock. Luckily she's nicer in real life than her films would have you think. Worst of all... as you try your best to fall asleep on the maglev to work, you'll be sitting next to a trio of school girls giggling over a tinny, flickering hologram of High School Musical 43 'Krump Off Uranus'.

Bugger.

The Adam Sandler Guide to Making Movies

There are two rules you need to remember if you want to be a successful movie-maker like Adam:

1. Kissy kissy
2. Talky talky

1. Kissy kissy.
In order to establish our protagonist as an all-round good egg worthy of the audience's sympathies, you must have them behave in a friendly manner towards elderly people and children in the first 2o minutes of the film. You could have them help an old lady pack oranges into a brown paper bag at the grocery store, pitch a baseball for a loveable street urchin or shout a personal question about an pensioner's health across the street. 'Hey Mister Shapiro, how is your prolapse?' or something of that nature.

There is no other way to make your protagonist likeable, so if you fail in this, your movie is doomed. Ever wonder why nobody liked Tony Montana?

2.Talky talky.
Mercilfully, all Adam Sandler movies end sooner or later (even though you might have thought 'Click' would go on forever). When ending a movie, there is no need to wrap up the plot or think of a clever reversal. Simply have the character stand in front of a crowd, admit to all of their shortcomings and ask everyone's forgiveness, forbearance and understanding. They are bound to understand and release your inheritance for spending, grant you custody of a child or support whatever earth shattering outcome you desire. Easy as pie! And it works in real life too!

There are only two films where Adam has not followed his own rules: Punch Drunk Love and Reign over Me. The fact that they are his best movies cannot be explained using modern critical techniques.

Birthday Boy

It is my birthday on 24 April (possibly today or tomorrow depending on whatever time the server this blog is on thinks it is now...).

Anyway, I saw DJ Spiral's CD for 4.99 in HMV today, if anyone is looking for a gift idea. It had been moved from the retard section to the 'It's so cheap, you'd buy it just to prove how good you are at getting a bargain bin'.

I would also like a spider monkey trained in burglary (if he comes with a tiny rucksack even better), a wind-powered ice schooner crewed by elf maidens, and a black Harrier jump jet with artwork of the great god Cthulhu done on the wings in no less than 4 colours.

I don't have an ice cream van, but if you are getting me one, I'd prefer one like they had in The Man from UNCLE where all of the cornettos were really grenades and the music gets faster and faster the faster you drive.

If you are buying me drugs, I like Ibuprofen and Ventolin (Salbutamol, please, not that other muck).

If you are buying me liquids, I like that cream-coloured fabric softener. I like gravy, Horlicks and Stella Artois, especially if it is in one of those continental glasses with the stem.

When ordering a cake, remember, a light sponge with strawberries and cream is the way to go. I am partial to cakes where the main body is a swiss roll designed to look like a steam engine, and I prefer Shin Chan to Spongebob (although I like the grindcore remixes of the spongy one on youtube). Please nobody get me a cake with a dead hooker in it like you did last year (you know who you are and you know it was stupid).

I think penis shaped pasta is about as funny as Tommy Tiernan (see clamnuts.com for more on this), so don't get me that. I think advances in internet speed have rendered porn redundant as a birthday gift, so that is out too. I don't need it anyway, since I learned those transcendental tantra tricks from Cosmo. Ommmmmmmmmm!

Don't bother getting me a card - make one yourself ( a real one, not an e-card). Even if you think it looks shite, I will be touched by the fact that you made the effort. If you do buy me a card, get me the Cliff Richard one where he sings 'Congratulations'. By opening and closing it at the right time, you can make him say 'Cun... Cun... Cun'. Dirty beggar! Great fun. Try it in your leading high street card seller tomorrow and see! You will amaze your family and colleagues and win more friends than you had thought possible!

Liposuction vouchers and Transformer costumes are also accepted, especially if the latter are home-made.

Peace out homies!

The Third Bond Movie to Feature Daniel Craig

Following a discussion with the TinkTank ™ (that is, Space Cake, Hilbotron and Kong Nip) last night, I am in a position to make the following projections regarding the third James Bond movie to feature Daniel Craig.

We believe the movie will be set in India, based on the current interest in Bollywood, Slumdog Millionaire etc. It’s been a while since Bond has been there, too. There will be scenes set far to the north of the country in the foothills of the Himalayas (so they may well make it into Nepal). They’ll need some desert to do the obligatory scene where he walks through an arid wilderness in full evening wear, (and a posh hotel for him to turn up looking all dishevelled). There will most definitely be a ski/skidoo chase of some sort. Micro-light gliders may make a welcome comeback. By now, even the most myopic of producers will be aware that they have exhausted the boat chase and free-running rooftop chase. Snooze-O-Rama!

The plot will most likely be about an Indian power company that finds a renewable power source (maybe something where water is a by product – Woohoo!). Should they release the technology or use it to hold over a billion people to ransom? What would you do? I’d recommend Babs Broccoli give Ian McDonald a call. His novel River of Gods might give her a few ideas. Pakistan may also be used – (what kind of movie would it be if we didn’t have a crazed warlord with a world class collection of nukes?)

The Bond girls will be:

One from India - probably Deepika Padukone. We know she can kick and bite when she needs to. No Kardashians for this one, please. The role will require a beautiful actress, not an overrated gypsy.

One from Australia – a blond doctoral student who made the breakthrough. Not Nicole Kidman! She hasn't been good since To Die For.

The movie will be called Time Enough for Tears, or something like that, thanks to the fact that the project is called the Vishnu Project. The Pussyflap Dolls will do the song. (I’d prefer if they gave Cradle of Filth a shot).

Most likely, M will be annoyed with Bond for not following the rules. Like we aren’t bored with that one… With a bit of luck, John Cleese and gadgets might make a comeback.

That’s about all we have to say on the subject.… the film won’t be much of a success, and will probably lead to Daniel Craig getting his marching orders. Poor Daniel… he wasn’t that bad…

Let us know your suggestions and comments!